The Real Story: What I'm Thankful For

Of course I'm thankful for my husband, my children, my family and friends, my and their health, my home, yada yada yada.  Like the rest of you, what kind of jackass would I be if I weren't?  A pretty big one, I suppose.  Now, let's get real and talk about the other (simple) things we're thankful for.  Me first.

I'm thankful for those of you who won't read this post with red ink pen in hand.  I'm no punctuation guru; you're bound to find some inappropriately used commas, semicolons, etc.  Don't judge.

1. Pfizer.  I am convinced that OCD cannot be cured.  Instead, people with it trade it in for a lesser evil: anxiety.  I do not have, and never did have OCD; just a few behaviors associated with it.  Those behaviors have slacked up a good bit but have been replaced with anxiety.  These days, when I notice a piece of art hanging crooked in the pediatrician's office I choose not to straighten it because well, that would be crazy.  Instead I just look at it and feel anxious, albeit to a lesser degree, courtesy of Effexor.  So while Pfizer doesn't sign my paycheck they do manufacture Effexor XR and for that I am thankful.


2. Certain pharmacy technicians. Often times when I pick up my Effexor XR I am met by a pharmacy technician who wears a look of horror on her face as she says to me "This is $219.00 and isn't covered by your insurance."  I think to myself "Dear, you do realize that this is anxiety medicine, right?  You're causing me anxiety by telling me how much I'm having to spend to lessen my anxiety. Bitch."  So while it isn't often, every once in a while I'm met by a technician who glazes over during checkout, forgetting to remind how much my drugs are costing me before taking my debit card, and for that I am thankful. 


3. Airports and interstates.  A vast majority of my friends and family are very intelligent; the fact that they live far enough away to put some distance between us is a testament to that.  Airports and interstates make it easier to visit them when the distance between us has afforded us the opportunity to forget just how bat shit crazy we all make one another.  For that I am thankful.


4. Family Watchdog: The National Sex Offender Registry.  For that I am thankful.


5. Keurig.  As much as I depend on coffee to get me through the day I've never been able to master the coffee grind to water ratio that results in the perfect pot of coffee.  The brilliant folks at Keurig have taken the guess work out of the equation, allowing me to be my own barista and for that I am thankful.


6. DVR.  My two children couldn't care less about my undying obsession with a certain few weekly shows.  What they fail to realize is that these shows are my mental vacations; I take these vacations 30 - 60 minutes at a time.  My children have failed to see how vital these vacations are to their well-being; little do they know how crucial the DVR is to their survival.  One of these days the lightbulb will go on and they'll get it: my good mood Fridays are largely due to the Scandal episode I watched the night before.   My trusty DVR makes it all possible and for that I am thankful.


7. Caller ID.  Rarely am I able to talk when someone calls.  By "able to talk" I mean willing to talk.  Caller ID lets me know if it is my children's school calling or someone else; someone else can usually wait and so for caller ID, I am thankful.


8. Michelob Ultra.  While I don't much care for beer, my husband does and he drinks it often.   Michelob Ultra helps him tolerate me on my off days and for that I am thankful.


9. Sushi...of the cooked variety.  I feel fancy when I eat sushi.  I feel disgusted when I eat raw seafood.  I feel happy when I find sushi that contains cooked seafood; allowing me to feel fancy without feeling disgusted and for that I am thankful.


10. Yoga.  I do not take yoga on a regular basis.  In fact, I've only been to one yoga class in my life and  I spent the entire 60 minutes thinking about all the shit I had to do when I got out of that class.  I know, I know -  I missed the point of yoga.  Really though, see item #2; do you really think I'm ever going to be able to enjoy yoga?  Probably not BUT....I do enjoy yoga pants.  Were it not for yoga there would be no yoga pants so for yoga, I am thankful.


11.  Elastic.  I wear more and more of it as the years go by and the pounds add on.  Elastic makes it possible to me to clothe myself between now and the time I decide to get to the gym and say good-bye to these extra pounds and for that I am thankful.


12. Sara Blakely. Sara is the founder of Spanx and Spanx picks up the burden for events I must attend at which #11 is not acceptable.  In an effort to save a few bucks I've tried her lower priced line, Assets, but they didn't really do much to hide my liabilities.   Sara Blakely, you are a genius inventor and for that I am thankful.


11. My first husband.  There, I said it, I had one.  And let me tell you: my second one is better because of it.  You've all had a first car and I'll bet your second car was better.   You learned what you liked and didn't like and based your second buying decision on that knowledge.  You've all had your "first time" and by God, I sure hope the second one and most of the times since then have been better.  Following the same train of thought,  it only stands to reason that a second husband should be better than a first.  With your first, you learn what you like and don't like and you learn to target the more desirable ones in your second hunt.  First husbands and learning from mistakes; for that I am thankful.


12. Perfect people.  Maybe you've met some, maybe you haven't, but believe it or not, they do exist: perfect people.  When I meet them I just sit back and witness how majorly f&@ked up they are and thank God I'm not perfect.  Perfect people, in all their messed-up-edness help me appreciate that I am relatively normal and for that I am thankful.


13. The Superbowl.  Like most women, the fall and winter marks the beginning of the widow season. Be it hunting or football, many of us become widows for a short while as we lose our husbands to these obsessions.  The Superbowl marks the end of the football season and for that I am thankful.


14. Those of you who choose to share. I've nursed two children for a combined 14 months.  While I know there are women who have nursed far longer (kudos to you) I am not one of them.  Nonetheless, my breasts look a bit more like ski slopes than the perky little boobies they were when my husband first saw them.  If enough of you share this blog I may one day get sponsored and be able to afford the breast lift I so desperately need.  For you who share I am thankful.